ENNEAGRAM IN RELATIONSHIPS

A Type Three and Five: How Type Can Non-consciously Conspire to Make Deep Connection Difficult

by David Daniels, M.D.

Dear David,
I am a 5/4 female in a long-term marriage to a 3/2 male. We have one child. He is in the financial world and I have been painting/farming for the past years. One of the reasons I think our relationship has worked, is that I have the freedom to do what I want to do. He is quite compulsive about his work and as long as I don't need his attention, things go along just fine. I am an introvert and like lots of time alone, but I’m also a sexual subtype and require some intense connection-or will start to feel distant and adrift in my marriage. This has happened and can have ugly consequences.

We have our different areas of expertise and tend to stay clear of each other's fields of interest. This is fine for me because I have little interest in his work in general. But when we do overlap we can become very competitive. We both have very strong views of what is the best way to do something.

One of the compelling things about us is that we seem to get things done. I have the brainstorm and he has the will to get the details done. I am miserable handling many of the very important small things that need to be taken care of, which he seems to accomplish without much effort.

So what is our dilemma? Not a lot, but I feel very one-sided. I have been somewhat stuck in developing my confidence in doing much in the outer world. I'm great at thinking of things to do but will always let my other half (husband) do the details. He can be very annoyed should I claim some power in this area and this can lead to lots of conflict. He needs very much to feel successful in what he does.

I on the other hand am exhausted by social demands. He loves the limelight and is constantly looking for it. Having a calendar full of meetings and social commitments is a very overwhelming thing for me; for him this is the icing on the cake.

We have looked very honestly at our differences and can laugh about them but still it can feel difficult to actually create the change and space for us to develop our, as Jung would say, inferior functions. We are both so practiced at what we do well. He feels little motivation to do something that doesn't give him the kind of rewards he is used to getting and I have little energy to put myself out in the world and probably feel unable to deal with it all.

Do you have any thoughts of how to move this energy in a different direction? Thanks for your consideration, C.M.

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