Type 4: The Romantic

As a Romantic, your “mission” is to regain the “lost” ideal love or situation, and, at the most fundamental level, your original connection to essence itself. Your self-esteem and well-being depend upon compensating for these “losses” and “inner lack” through the driving forces of envy and longing. You search for what is authentic and meaningful to compensate for the “loss” of the original connections.

Self-preservation: Reckless/dauntless

How can being reckless and dauntless serve survival? For the Romantic, to be ordinary, mundane or regular feels like death. You must be a “somebody” or “something” by finding meaning and authenticity in what you do. You assuage your envy by playing the edge, walking the cliff, throwing caution to the winds or jumping into new situations – whatever will provide a sense of authenticity. You even may neglect your basic survival needs. In this way you feel enlivened and special – your life is meaningful and intense. You have a reckless urgency to obtain those ultimate and uniquely elite experiences that make you feel alive and quell longing. Even the ordinary events get a jazzed-up spin or dramatic flare. Perhaps you create a mini-crisis with big feelings by threatening rejection or breaking the ordinary rules. You temporarily dissolve or defy envy – “Not me, I won’t succumb.” At your worst, your self-absorption in recklessness paradoxically can lead to disastrous outcomes and a re-emergence of a sense of inner lack and depression.

Social: Shame/counter-shame

In the social domain you easily can feel shame for not measuring up or being a “misfit.” You feel that your protective cover is removed and that your deficiencies or shortcomings will be exposed publicly. You mitigate your envy through shame. You want to hide your defects and deficiencies, keep your fatal flaws from being detected and avoid disgrace. Your shame also helps you feel or keep a connection to others: “They’ll notice me and my deficiencies, and I’ll matter.” This makes you feel special in the eyes of others. Shame also motivates you to do better – create an elegant image, produce pride of elitism, look unique and special, in short to develop counter-shame and a sense of honor for your integrity and what you do for the group. You may become an emotional truth-teller in the group. At your worst, shame can lead to retraction into self-absorption, depression or despair.

One-to-One: Competition/hate

In one-to-one relationships, envy and longing drive you to compete for the special position, partner or mentor. Competition is an invigorating energy: “I’ll show you; I’ll get the connection I deserve.” You use competition with others to overcome feelings of inner deficiency. You fight for what is noteworthy, exquisite and elegant. This makes you worthy and deserving. You go for the very best. If necessary, you slam your imagined or actual opponents; a hateful streak can emerge. You compete not so much to win but not to lose. And your own sense of esteem tends to rise and fall in comparison with others through establishing your excellence. Rather than lose and fall into lacking and deficiency, you may reject someone or something before you can be rejected. It’s better to abandon than to be abandoned. In this way you combat the envy, control the situation and keep your feeling of being special. At your worst, you may end up destroying vital relationships, paradoxically trying to win the ultimate connection.

Instinctual subtype descriptions: